Dysfunctional Relationships & Codependency
WE SHOULD NEVER LOSE OURSELVES IN THE PROCESS OF LOVING SOMEONE ELSE.
Our relationships should be a place we feel safe and loved. But for so many, our relationships cause the most harm in our lives.
There is a reason you don’t go home for the holidays anymore or why you stay at work later than everyone else. There is a reason you don’t trust anyone to get anything done and do it yourself instead.
The toxic dynamics at home or in your relationships are too much to deal with, so you would rather check out or fight back, adding fuel to the fire.
Perhaps there are even some of you reading this right now who are like, “Um, yeah, I’m fine. That stuff is all in the past; I don’t want to dwell on it.”
But I know you feel it.
IT WASN’T YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.
You know it well. The blatant denial served up for dinner when Dad came home from work drunk, yet again. Mom couldn’t hold it all together.
So, you did what you had to do – you stepped in to make sure it all worked out… that Dad didn’t get too out of hand and that Mom didn’t get hurt.
And now, years later, you compulsively control everything you can get your hands on and feeling responsible for everyone and everything.
LOVE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT US.
You have heard it too many times – the list of things your spouse thinks you are doing wrong. Or, how was it for you when your parent, too intoxicated to call, forgot to pick you up for weekend visitation?
Were you that child who hid under the bed, feeling scared and alone, while your parents fought loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear?
You have done your best to forget all the ways your parents or spouse shamed you, just for being you, telling how you were an embarrassment.
But it is still there. You still feel it. It still hurts.
YOU DIDN’T CAUSE THE…
Gaslighting – Shaming and Blaming – Abandonment – Manipulation.
How dare you question your partner! How could you possibly even think of having needs or desires of your own? You know, you will only be worthy of love if you give someone what they want! Sound like your family or your relationships?
But that shame and blame, though it may not feel like it, it wasn’t yours. You didn’t cause the abuse any more than you made the sun.